By Bayo Oluwasanmi
Today, I’m hereby announcing my candidacy for President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. The 2019 presidential election will either save Nigeria or speed up its democratic self-destruction. My declaration today is a threshold moment in our politics opening the door for anyone to run or at least think about it, who might not have before.
Our history shows Nigerian presidency is for the unintelligent, the unprepared, the corrupt, for looters, thieves, and despicable politicians. Nigerian voters believe being qualified for the presidency is not a qualification which is why people like me is running. Our history also shows you can attain the presidency if you are dumb, clueless, crude, corrupt, and of course if you’re a criminal. Visionary candidates with moral probity, intellectual capacity, and capability don’t win elections in our political climate.
On the contrary, imbeciles, potty-mouthed, corrupt candidates, without saying anything coherent or even intelligible are favored to win. Because democracy is the only really amusing form of government, that is why is possible for a person like me to run and even win. This is agreeably accurate description of where we find ourselves today. It suggests why a thief, a shameless con artist with no moral value is much preferred for the presidency. I don’t have the morals. I don’t have the integrity. I don’t have the honesty. I don’t have the intelligence. But I have 180 million dumb Nigerians who will vote for me and elect me as the next president of Nigeria in 2019.
Sadly, Nigeria is a failed state. But when I become president, I’ll revive it. I’ll make it better and stronger. Our country is in serious trouble. We need armed robbers, thieves, kidnappers, political assassins, and other criminals to bring back Nigeria, hence I’m the most qualified for the job.
I’m the most successful criminal ever to run for the presidency by far. I know I’ll win. I would win. Hands down. I would win. I’m the foundation this traumatized and troubled, lawless, disorderly, chaotic, corrupted, and crisis ridden nation needs at this particular time.
My eight years as Kwara State Governor witnessed unprecedented corruption and more importantly, the pulverization of Kwara people. My tenure as Senate President was marked by forgery, scandals, fraud, looting, corruption. Lest you forget, I was also responsible for the liquidation of two or three banks with millions of depositors money unrecovered.
Combating poverty, providing healthcare, creating jobs, providing quality education, ensuring safety and security of our people are not of importance to me. Because in the Nigerian politics, the rich and the privileged have their own priorities and different socioeconomic and political agendas. As 2019 looms large, we as a nation have come to this: a choice between murderers and kidnappers, a choice between criminals and cowards, a choice between fools and idiots, a choice between armed robbers and robber barons. I’m happy to observe that images of relief and joy have been uploaded into your collective psyche as I announced my candidacy today.
Here’s how my presidency will be defined:
Nigeria’s political Armageddon stares us in the face with great trepidation. The time capsule of life for Nigerians will be between intensely bitter taste and disgust. Nigerians will be pushed further to the nadir of main indices of quality of life. Corruption will escalate and make life more miserable and unbearable for our people. The frenzy for corruption will assume a more demonic crave. The 180 million dumb Nigerians who will vote me into office will continue to be kept in the dark, uneducated, uninformed, hopeless and helpless.
Nigerians will continue to live in abject poverty, hunger, and disease. Greed, filth, and viciousness will continue to be the norm. Ruined cities and towns will compete for a place in the refuse dunghill. Social decay will reign like we have never experienced before.
The ruling class will expand and extend plundering, looting, wickedness and terrorism, while the poor will live in penury and sedated with crumbs, fears, propaganda and lies and will remain too docile to rebel or revolt. Ethnic acrimonious rancor, violence, hatred, division, and subversion of democracy and justice with bloodletting politics will provide the minefield for thugs and hooligans like Dino Melaye and other detestable pimps of Nigerian politics.
Corruption of the ruling class will crush the working class. All power and economic privilege will reside and remain with the oppressive ruling class, their cronies, friends, and families. I cannot remind you too often that the leopard doesn’t change it’s colors. I have not changed a bit. With greater frequency and audacity, my presidency will foster moral and political debauchery, corruption, and confusion. My presidency will take misgovernance and incompetence to dizzying levels of raw candor with revolutionary zeal. My presidency will be paralyzed with conflicts and crisis. It will have problem with futility – no good will come from a right decision. As usual, the presidency will look out for its own – the rich.
Nigerians will be imprisoned by fear and preoccupied with survival. My administration will exhibit bizarre antics and unrestrained behavior. We’ll see endless parade of swindlers, con men and con women, crooks, and charlatans, the country ever witnessed. Nigerians will become butlers to wait on every command of the hapless president.
Number of scams and scandals in my administration will skyrocket and will defy explanation or description. Moral failure, financial chicanery, blatant injustice, lawlessness, will become deeper and dirtier. There will be exponential mass poverty, squalor, suffering, oppression, political assassination, suppression of justice and press freedom will be on the rise.
Sick Nigerians will be treated as criminals while thieves in government will continue to be ferried to foreign hospitals for treatment. Nigeria will be a country of decay and squeezed morals buried under tremendous pressure of shame and greed. And much more. Well, we cannot prepare for a future we cannot project or predict. As your president, you will not be able to predict the future of Nigeria. In my administration, Nigeria will be thrown into a national funeral which no one will attend.
This is a call for action. The time is now. Let’s come together as a nation, and as a people. Let’s join hands together in this historic journey into the unknown. Let’s make Nigeria three separate, hostile, and unequal nation: Hausa, Yoruba, and Igbo. Let’s roll our sleeves and get to work!
God bless Nigeria!