Nigerians Celebrate The End Of War On Corruption

By Bayo Oluwasanmi

In anticipation and in preparation for 2019, the presidency announced that the war on corruption ended last week with the arrest of Pius Anyim, former secretary to the federal government by the EFCC. The presidency has therefore decided to celebrate the milestone achievement with 180 million Nigerians.

So, on a bright sunny Saturday inside the Abuja National Stadium where the demise of corruption was being celebrated, a corrupt politician quarrels over the loudspeakers with a fed-up Nigerian who tells a section of the mammoth crowd about the $20.2 billion missing from NNPC since 1999 in a series of corruption scandals.

As the scripted recording plays, three EFCC operatives sitting among the crowd watch in awe at the passing parade of corruption goons in the country; cracking up in laughter, pointing a the bright red and yellow uniform and insignia on the breast pockets of their jackets that reads “Corrupt parade to mark end of corruption.” Posters that adorn the stadium includes caricatured faces of former presidents, former and present state governors, senators, reps, judges, bank executives, General Overseers of Nigeria’s Pentecostal Churches, and many others.

“For years, our nation has been undergoing incremental killing by corruption,” says Naima Jambamesu, the head of the multi billion naira multi global corruption outfit.” “By taking part in this parade,” continues Jambamesu, “we’re trying to make corruption tangible, real, and understandable to Nigerians, and to explain to them its direct implications on our everyday lives. The restless crowd yelled “spot on!” “We’re responsible for the pandemic spread of corruption and the diversion of delivery mechanisms of basic infrastructures and basic social entitlement schemes of the government,” says Jambamesu.

“Broad government corruption remains a largely untreated illness for decades,” says the president. “My government has been plagued with questions, arrests, suits, and appeals, over stolen and looted trillions of money,” says the president. “For the life of our republic,” continues the president, “corruption and impunity have inspired apathy and danger. But today, we have come to bury corruption.” As if possessed, the crowd went into ecstasy chanting “Sai Baba, Sai Baba” rent the air.

“I’m happy to tell you that both the great leaders from our two great parties – APC and PDP – and the sharks and whales of corruption from both parties have reached an historic compromise to laid corruption to rest,” says the president. “In the spirit of the historic compromise, I have instructed the EFCC chairman and the courts to dismiss all cases of corruption and dismantle all corruption courts with immediate effect. In addition, all stolen money by the politicians will not be refunded to the government. Also all properties that were seized by the EFCC must be returned to the owners without delay. Those who have refunded full or part of money that were stolen must be returned to them,” the president assured the nation. “Our victory over corruption is unique. There are no victors, no victims. We’re all victors and victims. Nigeria is the first country in the world to kill corruption,” the president adds cheerily.

“Nigerian politics have been considered a joke since independence. For Nigerians to maintain their sanity in the culture and climate of corruption of impunity with immunity, the deadly virus has been tamed with spiritual comedy. I’m grateful for this. A purge of the federal government, state governments, governors, judges, civil servants, universities, and banks would have left Nigeria without a single official or institution. It becomes expedient for us to stem the hemorrhage from the war on corruption and declare victory.” The crowd thundered in unison: “Preach on Mr. President!”

“Remember, we came out of recession few months ago. Since then, the economy has been on the rebound. Five million well paying jobs have been created. Factories are humming again. New businesses are springing up daily. Companies can’t find enough workers. Ajaokuta is back to life. The first made in Ajaokuta automobiles will roll off the mill in 2060. Our farmers can’t handle the bumper harvest from their crops. For the first time in 16 years, food prices are at basement prices. We now export virtually all food items from yams to gari, cocoyam, pepper, onions, tomatoes, sugar cane, palm oil, vegetables, rice, beans, etc. to Europe and the US. Our education is one of the best in the world. Our senior citizens are having the best time of their life. However, expect regular and stable electricity in 2080. My administration will continue to ferry sick former and current very important looters (VIL) to abroad for medical treatment while the sick poor will seek treatment from miracle Pastors and Babalawos. With the historic compromise, I believe we’re on the right path toward a new Nigeria where peace, progress, and prosperity reign.” The crowd roared: “four more years! four more years!”

“Corruption is a disease of the political body. Corruption in Nigeria consists of two deformities of truth: lying and bullshit. Ours is a system where dishonesty, greed, and self-interest have gotten so deeply entrenched. These deformities corrupt the entire citizenry because it conceals private interests under the guise of a concern for truth. We’re a nation full of people of crooked moral character. Corruption profoundly debase, distort, and destroy the moral and spiritual fiber of our beloved nation. As we have witnessed, corruption is a form of epistemic injustice.” The crowd shot back: “True Mr. President!”

Today I make good on my promise to you two years ago that I’ll kill corruption before corruption kills us. Corruption is dead! The crowd erupted with thunderous applause: “God bless you Baba! Long may you reign!” Beaming with smiles and nodding his head the president replied: “Thank you and God bless Nigeria.” The crowd burst into uncontrollable frenzy of “Sai Baba for 2019!” With contentment of hope and confusion of the historic compromise, the crowd melt into thin air.

bjoluwasanmi@gmail.com