By Bayo Oluwasanmi
To My Friend BJ:
Let me just start by stating the obvious: I miss you!
The last time I wrote you was almost two years ago from the country of the Dead. That was January 18, 2021. I have since moved to the country of Diaper Mentality. The two countries are on the same axis. They are neighbours. Same climate, vegetation, and landscape, but different people.
Here, citizens in the country of Diaper Mentality, think, act, and talk like babies and toddlers in diapers. But in the country of the Dead, the dead live in cities, towns, and villages while the living inhabits the cemetery. So much is happening in the country of Diaper Mentality. The stench from the carcasses of corruption, kidnapping, torture, state-sponsored killings, greed, avarice, and poverty is so strong you can almost taste it.
The country of Diaper Mentality can boast of its fair share of woes. From violent ravaged farmers and hungry children to battered women, millions of citizens have become endangered species. The atmosphere is sterile. Its large open spaces are filled with different plagues of Biblical proportions. The continuous recycling of evils and tragedies have led to disenchanted citizens calling for the end of the country. All our friends have disappeared. Some were beheaded by kidnappers and by the secret police. Some were killed by hunger, disease, hopelessness, and shattered dreams. Others by suicide. Some were forcibly ejected from their homes and slammed into the cooler by the heartless butcher in charge of the country. Yet, many others had simply japa!
As I pen you this letter, my stomach churns with fear as I pray for invisibility so the secret police of the land will not locate me. But the major trending news here is the 2023 presidential election. The number of political parties and their candidates contesting are as many as the population of China. Electing the most qualified candidate may look like searching for a needle in a haystack. Not at all! The selection process has been made simple: The only qualification is that the candidate must be in his 80s or 90s and must be certified as a diaper wearer by a medical doctor. Indeed, the sicker, the more fragile, and nearer the departure lounge of life for the candidate the better.
Initially, I frowned on the idea of a president wearing diapers. So many citizens feel the same way. But on second thought, we realized that the best person that could improve the comatose health sector in the country is a president that wears diapers. Think of the following benefits: He will attract the world’s largest diaper makers such as Huggies, and Procter & Gamble to cite manufacturing plants in Nigeria. He will build hospitals in the country. He himself will no longer travel overseas to change his diapers. He will make healthcare, especially for the elderly like himself a top priority. A modern sewage treatment system will be built for the disposal of used and contaminated diapers. By extension, manufacturing of other by-products such as powders, wipes, etc., to prevent diaper rash will spring up. All these will translate into the creation of thousands of jobs. And many more.
Remember, in this country, we laugh about bad memories, don’t we? We celebrate the absurdities of life. In the past, we had presidents who were tormented by ghosts of their ancestors. Some were blood thirsty human eating dictators. Yet others were endowed with polluted, or looted or dilapidated brains. Of course, we had presidents who suffered from melancholy. But this time around, the incoming president is in diapers. The diaper mentality citizens believe he’s the best candidate that can win the election and transform the country. The 2023 diaper election is bigger than the T-shirt slogan. It’s larger than a hashtag. It is the turn of diaper wearing president!
BJ, until the next time… when the time apart will slip away, we will talk and laugh like we saw each other yesterday, and time will stand for a little while.
Until next time… Take care and God bless!